A New Slideshow For My Artwork

I Think I Can...

Me, a long time ago - before Crohns.

I hurt. A lot.
I look at this old picture of me in high school and wonder how in the world did I get from that to where I am today?

I went to work last week so miserable that I could barely stand myself, and I am sure that the guys were not amused with my demeanor. Then there was Thursday. I was in so much pain and felt so weak that I just could not get out of the bed.  And when I did, it was to stay in the bathroom every time I turned around.  I was about 2 hours late getting in to work because I literally could not get enough energy to stand up long enough to take a shower. I kept pushing myself and pushing myself until I made it into the shower and the warm water felt so good, I just stood there for several minutes.  I finally finished the shower and got dressed and made it out the door to work. It was so hard, but I pushed myself like I do nearly everyday when I have a flare.  This time seemed so much worse than the others because of the joint pain and the fatigue.

Yesterday I was feeling pretty good. I had come home from work after really having a rough day at work on Friday.  I didn't eat much for dinner and fell asleep fairly soon after I ate and got up around 7 AM that morning. It was the first burst of energy I had in a long while. But it was also the first night I had spent that I actually slept without waking from the horrible itching spells and leg or abdominal cramps - or the normal going to the bathroom every hour or so. When I have a flare, my fibromyalgia goes crazy. Every muscle, every joint is on fire and aching.  I feel guilty even talking about it, because there are so many other people who have it so much worse than I do. I am blessed with the good days that I do have when I am in remission and feel 'normal'.

Tonight though, I don't feel 'normal'. Tonight I am in pain. My stomach is distended, and makes all these weird noises.(I pray that I don't hear the high pitched noise that means a possible obstruction again.) I feel like it is a giant balloon and it will explode any second.The bathroom is my constant companion, and I am so sick of it. I wont go into all the details that go along with the sometimes 30 or more trips a day when I am having a bad flare, but it is not good - at all.  The bad part about all of this is that you would think I would be rail thin. I mean, really, it all goes straight through me. How in the heck do I have any problems with weight? Really? Really?  Definitely a cruel joke with that one.I shouldn't be so vain anyway.  I am still alive - thanks to my husband's heroics when my bowels perforated and caused peritonitis while I was in the hospital for what they called 'stomach flu' when I was finally diagnosed. I know what it is to be on death's door more than once.

I get so frustrated sometimes.  And yet, I feel guilty if I gripe about it. I should be able to just suck it up and go on, shouldn't I?  I feel like I should. Except tonight, when I should be cuddled up with my hubby in bed -  I am sitting here curled up in this chair, writing down my feelings for the world to see. Hurting. Sometimes it really makes sense to gripe. Maybe I can make it  though- I think I can anyway. Besides, God's not through with me yet.